Thursday, December 29, 2011

Affordable iGift

Ito lang ang iGift na kaya kong ibigay sa mga inaanak ko ngayung pasko...


Sunday, December 18, 2011

Heart Donor

Girl: Magpapa opera ako sa puso..

Boy: alam ko..

Girl: i love you!

Boy: i love you more, much more! sa'yo lang ang puso ko.

Pagkatapos ng operasyon, Nagising ang babae at ang tatay nya lang ang nasa tabi nya...

Girl: nasan sya?

Father: Hindi mo alam kung sino nagbigay sayo ng puso?

Girl: huh?? (biglang nag hysterical) BAKIT DI NYA SINABI NA PUSO NYA PALA ANG ILALAGAY SA AKIN. BAKEEEET!

Father: Ang OA naman neto. Joke lang! nandun sya sa banyo! TUMATAE! 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Kaparusahan





Hari: Ano gusto mong parusa? Ipakain sa leon o pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet?

Pedro: (Syempre dun ako sa madali) Mas gugustuhin ko pong pasukan ng bubuyog sa pwet.

Hari: Ganun ba? Mga kawal, ilabas si Jollibee!

Oldies but Goodies

1. An Eat Bulaga contestant was asked by Joey and Vic: "Ano sa Tagalog ang grasshopper?" Contestant: "Ahmm. . .Huling Hapunan?" 



2. It was an ex-PBB housemate (1st batch) who said this: "Big Brother, ginagawa po nila ako laughing stuff..." 



3. In Wowowee, the question was: "Kung ang 'sigaw' ay 'shout' sa Inggles, ano naman sa Tagalog ang 'whisper'?" The contestant answered: "Napkin!" 



4. While watchng the news yesterday about a kid killed by a bulldozer, our maid commented: "Kaya ayoko mag-alaga ng aso eh..." 



5. My friend and I were walking up the stairs of our schools new bldg. She said out of nowhere: "Imagine mo kung di ginawa 'tong bldg, umaakyat tayo sa hangin?" 



6. My cousin at a DRIVE-THRU: "Miss, puwedeng take out?"



7. Nadia Montenegro promoting her movie: "Please watch 'The Life Story of Julie Vega', opening na po on the twenty-twoth of November." 



8. In a burger joint I heard a man say: "Miss, isa ngang 'amusing' aloha at saka 'kidney' meal." Server: "Dine in po ba or to go?" The man answered: "Ayoko ng sago!"



9. I was making cookies at home when I ran out of cookie sheets, so I called our maid and said: "Manang bili ka nga ng cookie sheet." And she replied: "Ano po, solo o litro?" (coke is it) 



10. My friend said: "Ang galing 'no, yung Ash Wednesday last year , Miyerkules din pumatak!" 



11. A non-Christian vendor selling a Last Supper painting: "Ma'am bili po kayo ng frame, maganda po ito, 'Hesus and Company." 



12. While watching "Apollo 13?, after she heard the line: "Houston, we have a problem." My ex-girlfriend asked: "Sino si Houston?" 



13. My aunt was going to the US for the 1st time. She told us: "Nagpapabili ang tita niyo ng 'autistic' guitar. Saan ba nakakabili nun?" 



14. We were marketing for an org event, when one of my orgmates wanted to clear the definition of the types of sponsors (Major, Minor, Patron, etc.) So she asked her grandma: "Lola, anong mas mataas sa Patron?" Her lola replied: "Patron? Eh di Shell!" 



15. Also in a gameshow. Host: "Ano sa Tagalog ang 'teeth'?" Contestant: "Utong!" 



16. I once heard an emcee say: "Let's give her a warm of applause!" 



17. One classmate in highschool said, "Ang cute naman ng sintas mo, luminou!" I corrected him and said, "luminous!" Then he replied, "Oo nga pala, plural!" 



18. Barker ng bus: Ah Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao, Cubao!!!" Pasahero: "Boss, Cubao?" 



19.Sa isang gameshow, tinanong ng host: "Anong 'P' ang Tagalog ng 'storey' o 'floor' ng building?" Contestan: "PIP PLOR!" 



20. An officemate of ours told us a story about driving alone in her car: "Alam niyo, pag nag-iisa ako, feeling ko...wala akong kasama..." 



21. I had a customer on the line who had a password on his account. I asked for the password but he forgot. I gave him a clue: "It's a 4-digit number." He answered, "Uhm...'ROCKY'?" 



22. Overheard a lady place an order at Starbucks: "One cup of chino please." 



23. An officemate once asked: "Saan sa Quezon City ang Mandaluyong?" 



24. I had a meeting with a friend and I noticed that both of us were wearing stripes. He suddenly blurted out: "Uy, stripes din! It's the color of the day!" 



25. My sister said of our neighbor who was our arch enemy: "Mamatay na sana kapitbahay natin!" I told her not to say that, coz it might bounce back to us. Then she said, "Ah ganun ba yun? In that case, mamatay na sana tayo!" 



26. When I saw that I got a missed call, I said, "Hey, I got a missed call!" My friend said, "Anong sabi?" 



27. From the gameshow "The Weakest Link". Host Edu Manzano asked: "Anong 'T' ang ibinibigay ng konduktor pag nagbayad ka ng pamasahe sa bus?" Ian Veneracion answered: "TUKLI!" 



28. We were reviewing for an exam and we were already dead tired. A classmate said, "Hala, brownout!" Pagtingin namin, nakapikit pala siya. 



29. A call center agent told a foreign customer regarding the changing of the due date of her credit card: "Ma'am, I already changed your monthly period." 



30. A home economics teacher asked us: "How do you make wet floor and tow duff?" Translation: "How do you make wheat flour and tough dough". 



31. During a shower party for my friend, the married women were giving tips on the do's & dont's of sexual intercourse, when the bride asked: "Hindi ba kasama yung betlog sa pinapasok?" 



32. Melanie Marquez: "Ang tatay ko lang ang only living legend na buhay pa." 

Saturday, December 10, 2011

BILL GATES FOR MICROSOFT EUROPE


Bill Gates organized an enormous session to recruit a new Chairman for  Microsoft Europe.
 
Exactly 5,000 candidates assembled in a large room. One candidate is  MARIO
DIMACULANGAN.

  
Bill Gates: Thank you for coming. Those who do not know JAVA may leave.
 
2,000 people leave the room.
 
MARIO says to himself, 'I do not know JAVA but I have nothing to lose
if I stay. I'll give it a try'

 
Bill Gates: Candidates who never had experience in managing more than
100 people may leave.
 
2,000 people leave the room.
 
Mario says to himself ' I never managed anybody but myself, but I have
nothing to lose if I stay.
What can happen to me?' So he stays.
 
Bill Gates: Candidates who do not have management diplomas may leave.

 
500 people leave the room.
 
Mario says to himself, 'I left high school at 15 but what have I got to
lose?'
So he stays in the room.
 
Lastly, Bill Gates asked the candidates who do not speak Serbo-Croat
to leave. 498 people leave the room.
 
Mario says to himself, ' I do not speak one word of Serbo-Croat but
what do I have to lose?'  So he stays and finds himself with one other candidate. Everyone else has gone.
 
Bill Gates joined them and said 'Apparently you are the only

 two candidates who speak Serbo-Croat, so I'd now like to hear you have a conversation together in that language.'
 
Calmly, Mario turns to the other candidate and says `Ano ba yan,
dong?'
 
The other candidate answers 'Ewan ko, pare.'

Friday, December 9, 2011

Luma Na Ito Pero Natatawa Pa Rin Ako

May 3 hunters na nahuli ng mga cannibals sa gubat. dinala sila sa harap ng tribal chief para siya ang pupugot ng ulo. nagmakaawa yung mga hunters. naawa naman yung chief.

Chief: sige hindi namin kayo papatayin, sa isang kondisyon. kailangan isa-isa kayong mangolekta ng 10 pirasong prutas. dalhin nyo iyon dito at saka ko sasabihin ang sunod nyong gagawin.

naghiwa-hiwalay ang tatlong magkakaibigan. unang dumating si Pedro, dala-dala'y 10 oranges.

Chief: ngayon, ipasok mo ang lahat ng mga prutas na iyan sa iyong puwet. kailangan ay hindi magbabago ang mukha mo. konting ngiwi o ngiti lang ay pupugutan ka agad namin ng ulo.

unang orange pa lang ang pinapasok ay napa-sigaw agad si Pedro. agad siyang pinugutan ng ulo. sunod na dumating ay si Juan, dala-dala'y 10 lansones. tuwang-tuwa siya ng in-explain sa kanya nung Chief kung ano ang kailangan nyang gawin.

Juan: sus! sisiw lang pala. kayang-kaya! buti na lang maliit na prutas ang kino-lekta ko.

naipasok ni Juan ang mga lansones sa kanyang puwit ng walang problema. ngunit nung asa pang-10 prutas na siya, bigla siyang napatawa. pugot-ulo agad.

pagkamatay ay napunta agad si Juan sa langit kung saan nakita niya si Pedro. nagkausap ang dalawa.

Pedro: sayang Juan! pinapanood kita dito sa langit habang ginagawa mo yung utos. isang lansones na lang hindi mo pa tiniis! buhay ka pa sana ngayon. ano bang nangyari sayo?

Juan: pare, ang dali-dali ngang ipasok nung mga lansones. kaso, nung matatapos na ako bigla kong nakita si pareng Jose -- may dala-dalang 10 LANGKA !

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Galit Sa Matitigas Ang Dila


may isang serial killer na gumagala na ang pinapatay lang ay mga Bisaya...

nabalitaan ito nila inday, marites at teresa...

nakita ng killer si inday tinanong

"bisaya ka ba?"

"hende ay!"

PATAY.

nagpraktis naman sina teresa at marites ng pagsasalita ng "hindi"

"hindi, hindi.."

nakita naman ng killer si teresa,

"bisaya ka ba?"

"hindi.."

"ano ang pangalan mo?"

"TIRISA"

PATAY!


nagpraktis ulit si Marites,

"hindi, hindi, Marites, Marites."

nakita naman ng killer si Marites,

"bisaya ka ba?

"hindi."

"ano'ng pangalan mo?"

"marites"

paalis na aNg killer... sa tuwa, napasigaw si marites...

"YIS!"

PATAY! 
.
.
.

Pabata Ng Pabata Ang Member Ng Federacion (Medyo Bastos)

Pabata ng pabata ang mga batang bading sa ngayon
halina't awitin ang kanilang mga nursery rhymes...



LANGIT LUPA
langit lufa infairness
in, in, infairness
saksak heart-chi tulo ang dugesh
chuging, alive, disappear na u jan!

NANAY TATAY...
Mudra, Pudra gusto kez tinafey
Sister, brother, gusto kez kafey!
Lahat ng gusto kez ay kemer-kemerloo;
ang magkaka wiz ay pipingutin kez!

BUBUKAS ANG BULAKLAK
Bubukes ang flowerette,
nyonyoan ang reynabelz
a-aura ng chacha,
pa jembot jembot pa.
Boom tiyayavush, tiyayavush, chenes!
Boom tiyayavush, tiyayavush, chenes!

PEN PEN DE SARAPEN
Pen Pen de chorvaloo
de kemerloo, de eklavoo,
hao hao de batuten
de big yuten.
Sifit, dafat iipit,
ginto't filak na chomochorlak
sa tabi ng chenes!
Shoyang fula, talong na mafula
Shoyang fute, talong na mafute
Chukchak chenes, eklavu
ek ek!

TAGU-TAGUAN
Shogu-Shoguan,
ning ning galore ang buwan
pag counting ng krompu
nakatago na kayey
jisa..
nyolawa..
krotlu..
nyopat..
jima,
nyonum...
piturt...
walochi,
nyomert,
krompu!!!

BAHAY KUBO
Baler, kuberch, kahit jutay
julamantrax donchi, ay vary vary
Nyingkamas at nutring; nyigarilyas at kipay
nyitaw, nyotaw, jutani~
nyondol, jutola, nyupot, julabastra
and mega join join pa
nyolomus nyustasa
Jibuyas, niyomatis, nyowang at juya,
ang around the keme ay fulness ng linga! hahay 
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